you'll say we've got nothing in common, no common ground to start from and we're falling apart...

well you would be right. sometimes i hate coming home. don't get my wrong i enjoy the time that i spend with my family but its all the unnecessary high school bullshit. get-togethers and such (which usually i don't mind) but i have turned into an antisocial person when it comes to going out when i'm at home. i tend to hang out with a select few people and this break i ended up missing it because i slept through it....damn headache

now that i'm in college and never see half of these people i feel as though i don't have to pretend if i like them or not. i never made that many friends here in botetourt. i have my handful of close friends that i keep in contact with and that i actually enjoy hanging out with. now because everyone knows everyone around here i am always invited to get-togethers that i don't necessarily want to go to and then i have to come up with a reason why i "can't make it" and how "sorry i am that i'm going to miss it".

now tuesday my friend hannah is throwing a going away party for a mutual friend. her family is moving to baltimore i believe and apparently this is a big deal to everyone. i on the other hand, who has moved around my whole life, doesn't really get why there needs to be a going away party. it boggles my mind that people are born and raised in botetourt, va (and i don't mean to sound bitchy but i just really don't get the big deal about moving but its probably because i have done it so many times). i mean i haven't seen this girl since we graduated, why am i invited again? because i know the right people. now most of the people that i like and enjoying hanging out with will not be at said going away party.....this makes me want to go even less than if they were going to be there. i just don't really see the big deal and why there needs to be a party to send someone off who isn't even living in botetourt permanently anyway. she goes to mason so she is already up there for the most part with the exception of breaks and such......

so really, what is the big deal? am i just being a grouchy bitch because i don't want to have to put myself in a situation where i won't have a good time? i feel as though if i haven't talked to you within the past year or since high school why should i end up being nice and going when i would rather be spending my time hanging out with the people that i do like that are home.....but alas that is not meant to be because most of them are going to be out of town...........guess it will be a movie night for me!!!

and now i've found some solid ground, i thought i'd drowned but now i'm found, and on the lips of life i kiss, i find i'm here in this place of bliss

so this is the first night i have hung out with anyone besides my family. i have realized that i turn into a hermit while i'm home. but let me tell you i really enjoyed tonight....

i hung out with one of the greatest people i know. sure he and i have been through some rough patches but that has only strengthened our friendship. he and i have been friends since my freshman year of high school and i never knew that i could care so deeply for one person. 

as i said we have had some rough patches but we have always been there for each other. most people don't really understand our friendship and sometimes  (especially in high school) would even question why he was friends with me and visa versa. now i can't tell you his answer but i can tell you mine: no one saw what i saw in him. most people thought he was an ass (which he will be the first to tell you he is) but there was more to it than that and i just wish that more people would see that. of course he doesn't want most people to see that side of him. but underneath that rough exterior is a sweet guy that just wants to be taken care of, appreciated for who he is, and loved.

now he doesn't let most people get to know him well enough to know that side of him but i see myself as privileged especially when the last time i saw him was over the summer. we get together when we can (which i hate to say isn't very often) but when we do it's like no time at all has passed. we could talk for hours about nothing at all and we are always entertained (or at least i am). i consider him one of my best friends right up there with david and i just wish that more people could see the side of him that i do. 

the time that he has spent away from botetourt has changed him (for the better). in high school i saw a lonely boy that had put up a wall to keep people out and now when i see him he is a man confident in himself. to see that change (not that i was there for a lot of it because of certain events, mainly my own stubborn pride, and college) in him makes me proud to be called his friend. 

yes i will admit to wanting our friendship to be more than that but i know that will never happen. i just want him to be happy and to be able to find someone that makes him happy. i am just glad that he lets me be a part of his life and that he makes time to see me the few days that he comes into town to see his family (and i really mean few like 5 days at the most).

there are many things that i would like to say to you...

so i saw him today....and it was mad awkward. i hadn't seen him since we hung out on saturday (man my sense of time is so FUCKED UP) and i hadn't talked to him since then either. i don't know if it was awkward because he was obviously with people or what but my friend i was with at the time also felt that it was awkward.

but i have to say i didn't feel weird not talking to him for three days......

i'm not sure what this means....but i have a little bit of an idea

i didn't realize i was such a horrible person...

i didn't know i was such a horrible friend. i mean i sit there and in the beginning was supportive and empathetic, no matter how much trouble you got yourself into or what messed up situation you were a part of. i tried not to judge (which is a little hard when you repeatedly get yourself into this situations and then come tell me about them when its the same story just slight variations) but it got old. so whenever you decided to talk to me i was short and to the point. i'd gotten fed up with listening to the same old story over and over again. "oh poor me, look what i did again." i'd give advice and it would go unused so i stopped trying. i'd listen say i'm sorry and go about my business like you hadn't interrupted me.

now i admit burying my head in the sand was probably not the best way to deal with this but i just became so apathetic about it all, that i didn't really care to talk to you. all you pretty much talk about anyway is how much you miss "him" and oh i really hate this kid (yet you still hang out and freeload off of him any chance you get) so i wasn't really missing much. you seemed to take this as being "mean" to you. well guess what you have never seen me be mean to anyone. you probably wouldn't want to. so when i heard from a mutual friend that you had asked her to "protect you" from me being mean to you, i went off. i legit scared someone because i was so mad. i may be blowing this out of proportion, but i don't care. this made me see that you really DON'T know me. i would never get mad at you in a restaurant full of people, with friends sitting at the table alongside people i didn't even know. that is not me, if i was going to to say anything about the subject (which i wasn't likely too unless you brought it up) it would have either been one on one or with our two mutual friends, not in a public arena. a verbal sparring match in a restaurant is not how i would have dealt with the situation at all. EVER. if i had really had that much of a problem with you (which at the time i didn't) i wouldn't even have gone to lunch with you. i had thought, up until the point where i found out that you asked to be "protected" from me, that lunch went really well. 

so next time (if there is a next time) you think i have a problem with you, come to me about it. i didn't have a problem with you it was the fact that you telling me all your problems was finally starting to annoy me. you get yourself into those situations all the time and i had finally run out of sympathy. but that didn't mean that i was going to verbally attack you just because i didn't want hear anymore about your stupid decisions that get you into these complicated messes that could be completely avoided if you just thought it out a little.

i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn

so Thanksgiving break looks like its going to be interesting.  mom and dad are having issues so i took it upon myself, which i probably shouldn't have done, to say something to my dad. of course with the help of one of my best friends (who is also a psych major) i make it seems like it's me that has the problem not mom. BUT they need to talk which is where everything starts to break down. my dad doesn't really like useless conversation and it would probably go in one ear and right out the other. YES, they/we need professional help. will we get it NO.

this isn't the first time this "divorce talk" has come from my mom and i'm usually what starts it all. now i realize its NOT MY FAULT (at least in my head) but if things do eventually go sour, i'm probably going to blame myself. 

now should my mom talk to me about these kinds of things, no, but her and i are so close we don't really have boundaries with our conversations. but she should really talk to dad. like i said though that probably won't accomplish anything and more than likely my email won't either. at least i tried though. 

i have always seen my parents as one of those couples that will last forever and thats probably because as a child i NEVER saw my parents fight. if they had problems they would deal with them behind closed doors and as a child i appreciate it but i think if i had known they fought this wouldn't surprise me so much.

last time this came up things worked out. my dad apologized to me and it was never spoken of again. i don't know how it went with my parents though. but i do know then and now that the way my dad treats me is the catalyst for my mom talking about divorce. its really his problem though, he treats me like crap because i have a really good relationship with my mom. i have a great relationship with my mom because she was always there for me and always around starting out early when i was a child. dad is the provider. it's always been that way and i understand that but he forfeited a relationship with me when i was young. work was ALWAYS first. now i LOVE my dad and i appreciate all he's done for me but he made a choice. i try and hang out with him now that i'm older but i'm always doing things HE likes. i put forth the effort to have a relationship but it seems like he doesn't. but he shouldn't alienate me just because i have an amazing relationship with my mom and not him..........

I'm singing out loud to guide me give me your strength...

while i was catching up with rachel this afternoon before she went to class, it hit me. the big question. am i interested in this guy because he is interested me? was it just excitement i felt when he asked me out? i don't know. if the answer is yes to these questions how much of a shitty person am i? if the answers are no, where do i go from here? how do i figure out the answers to these questions. i don't want to hurt him. then there is the mom thing. am i subconsciously letting her influence me and question what i want? do i really know what i want from this? what does he want? am i over-thinking this to much so soon? i am utterly confused and i need guidance but more to the point i need to go home....maybe i can find the answers to these questions once i have a mini break from school but until then what do i do?

you make me completely miserable.....

ever since i talked to my mom about a guy i'm interested in things have been different (to me they seemed a little strained). my mom and i have always had a great relationship more friends than mother and daughter. i share nearly everything with her so this was no different. i thought she would be happy for me and of course she says that she is but it doesn't sound like she really means it. i don't know if i'm imagining it or what but it seems to me her "i don't know how i feel" is just a way for her to not  hurt me with her opinion. its her tone of voice that makes me question whether she really "doesn't know" how she feels or like i said if she is just using it as an excuse not to say anything. TONIGHT when she called me back and mentioned this guy she casually mentioned "i don't know how your father will take it so i wouldn't say anything until you know you guys are serious" and tacked on to the end was "i just want you to be happy but you need to focus on school". she never said that with tripp she never said that when i was hanging out with richie. so why say it now? 

i just want to be happy and i honestly think that i could be with this guy but then again i don't want to cause tension with my mom. my best friend......what do i do?

its our godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved....

wow. thats really all i have to say for the things that have happened this week.

1)we have a new president and his name is Barack Obama. how amazing is that. richmond's broad street

2)things are progressing really well for the few of you that are privileged enough to know what i'm talking about :D

3)i'm going to be spending saturday with one of the coolest people i know!

4)sunday will be spent in the library making up for the fun i will have on saturday.

i know it doesn't seem amazing since i didn't go into any detail but thats okay. the people who matter to me know what i'm talking about.

all my feelings rose today...

ah, i'm seriously floating on cloud nine, even though i'm trying not to get my hopes up, just playing it by ear. but its a little hard not to. 

Yesterday was an AMAZING day. period the end. there was nothing that could burst my bubble. NOTHING.

but as i said i'm TRYING not to get my hopes up...it's not really working out too well for me

just live your life....

so its 125 am, and i'm not tired although i am laying in bed. i feel accomplished i finally did my laundry and cleaned (somewhat) although its messy again from me trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow.  oh well. my room is never spotless. 

can't wait for tomorrow. i took a chance, and now i'm going to lunch with someone (hence picking out what to wear the before tomorrow morning). who knows what will come of it but at least i will have made a new friend. so instead of studying for my stats test i read for the essays for my english class. hmmz i think my priorities are a little screwed up but oh well. 

for once i'm just doing my thing and not caring what people think about the decisions i make. its kind of refreshing actually. i'm still not as outgoing as some of my friends but i still think i am a person worth getting to know...even if when you first meet me i'm really quiet.....I AM TRYING TO CHANGE THAT THOUGH!

what the hell?

Ok. so this has been a long time in coming.

if it was possible to hate someone it'd have to be you. you screwed me over hardcore and guess what i just bent over and took it. well guess what you do not exist in my world. you are a useless piece of shit that takes up too much space and oxygen. what a waste. i used to think you were my friend. we used to do everything together and then i did one little thing that you didn't agree with and you turned friends against me. if that was your goal you didn't succeed because i still talk to them i forgave them for alienating me. but not you. never you. i never thought someone i once called my best friend would screw me over that much. what did i do. 

just because i did something you didn't agree with doesn't mean you have to go be a bitch about it. you can disagree with me but jesus fucking christ. really? do you like turning people on each other just for shits and giggles. friends don't do that to each other. but then i guess you were never my friend even though i had a hand in setting you and one of your high school boyfriends up (who was a really great guy) and how many times did i tell you it would be okay when some guy broke your heart. i know i was only one of a few but damn you were my best friend. BEST FRIEND! well not anymore. i don't surround myself with manipulative sluts that are out to entertain themselves. 

so when you see me on campus turn your fucking head the other way because i look right through you. YOU DO NOT EXIST. i don't want to hear your nasally laugh through your surgery corrected nose. i don't want to listen to you because i know all you talk about is how expensive what ever you are wearing is. you have an all about me attitude and someone needs to take you down a notch. choke a bitch if you will. i wouldn't mind. it would entertain me greatly if you broke your expensive nose. I WISH YOU WOULD. don't even think about me because guess what if you came crawling back to me bitching about some useless shit i don't care about i would put my fist through your face. i would be the one to break that nose you paid so much for. you are a spoiled little bitch that has to get whatever she wants and that makes you unworthy of my time, energy, and empathy.

and for the million hours that we were i'd smile and remember it all and i'll turn and go...

so i should be working on the revision for my first essay but i'm just not really feeling it right now....but it's due tomorrow so i have to do it sometime. doesn't mean that has to be now. so instead of working on my paper i am going to recap what happened last night but you need a little background first.

i meet my friend through my boyfriend (at least thats what we will call him because thats a whole other complicated story) at that time a few years back. for me there was instant chemistry for him who knows. i was hanging out with my bf, his brother, and their friend. they practically grew up in the same house thats how good of friends they are but i digress. anyway as i said thought he was very attractive right off the bat. i didn't see him for about a year when he came to my bf's and his brothers new year's eve party. that was the second time seeing him. but he was hopped up on pain medication from a dislocated shoulder and then he had a drink. after the amazing meal that was cooked i was helping my friend that i had brought with me to the party try and convince her parents to let her spend the night because i was.  well he had decided he was going to leave. i tried to convince him to stay but he didn't but i asked for a hug before he left and i swear i thought he was going to kiss me, or at least he thought about it but he didn't. i honestly don't know if he even remembers the party because of the combo of medication and the drinks he had. but to say the least i have had a crush on the kid....

so he and i text off and on sometimes and we have tried to get together when we were both back in town but that never worked out his school breaks were always before mine...

anyway i sent him a funny text about rice and going to rocky horror on friday. well he texts me last night asking when i was going to be back in town and such and i told him thanksgiving. then he asked where i was (which i have told him once or twice before). so i told him i was in richmond he tells me that he has friends her and that he broke a rib here and then adds "if i don't get there before thanksgiving when you get home your mine" 

i was grinning like an idiot but my mind was kind of panicking. does he mean it. is it he just wants a casual hookup which im fine with for the most part, seeing as we are in two different locations and i trust him (which is a big thing for me). my main thing is i don't like not knowing what he is thinking but i guess thats a risk i'm willing to take. i mean just a few days ago i was bitching about having any type of physical relationship since oh i'd say february and then this pops up out of no where it seems.....i guess my mom was right it hit me when i wasn't really looking (damn i hate it when she's right sometimes)

no motivation...

i have no motivation to do anything. i'm sitting here listening to viva la vida (the only coldplay song i like) wishing i was back in my room curled up in bed with a great book and a movie playing in the background. but no i'm in the library about to start working on my bio exam re-take...can you say boring! but this girl needs the extra credit.

so i'm feeling better today. YAY. the angry outbursts of the past few days pushed to the back of my mind. fuck hormones, stress, and caffeine headaches. who needs them NOT ME. life would be so much easier if i could master the art of stoicism. emotional outbursts are not for me because i tend to be self-deprecating. i'm not good enough blah blah blah, when i'm not hormonal i don't doubt myself. i don't know what it is about my period that makes me think to damn much. i'm happy with who i am. i know most people wouldn't be able to tell that from the first post i made but i am truly happy with who i am. i know my flaws and weaknesses but i don't usually let them get in the way of my life. so what i'm not an overly confident person but guess what how many people can really say that they don't have problems with self-esteem, not many i'm betting. nearly every person i know has what they consider flaws that they don't like about themselves, the real trick is realizing these "flaws", whether real or imaginary, and not letting them influence the life the person leads in a negative way....

bonding over cookies!

cookies and conversation tend to fix life's problems if only for a little while. i have friends and i know they care and might be a little worried but i will be okay. i have always had low self-esteem. i probably always will. i try and act like i don't but i do. sometimes it just comes out. but i know that i do have friends and people that care about me and my well being  and i appreciate it.

i can honestly say that i LOVE all of my friends--sarah, david, melissa, jane, allena, nora--they are just a few. i don't like to worry people when i get this way but sometimes i just have to learn to express myself and maybe for once in my life instead of worrying about everyone else and their problems, they can worry about me (not that my bouts of self-loathing last that long) for a little bit. that might seem a little selfish but sometimes i feel as though i expend all this energy trying to help others when it isn't really reciprocated (even though i know if i needed them I MEAN REALLY NEEDED THEM, they would be there in a heartbeat). that might sound a little conceited but i know that i put others before myself and sometimes i just need to stop and realize that i do need someone to lean on even if its just for an hour over cookies and milk (thank you melissa).

i love and cherish every one of my friends and i hope that they feel the same way about me....

will this crush go away?

why does this always happen? i like someone and either i am just a friend,  they don't like me, or they want something that i would only give if i were in a relationship. any way i look at it i'm screwed. i swear that i am going to be the little old lady at the end of your street with ten cats. 

if i like a guy things tend to get more complicated than they should. maybe i expect to much out of a relationship because in my last one i didn't get the fulfillment i needed. he was fine with the way things were and it worked for us for awhile before i wanted more. as usual i always want what i either don't or can't have. 

now it comes down to i'm interested in a guy but things started out complicated. who knows what the hell will happen with that but i don't want to be a rebound thats for sure. then there is the big question is he even interested it in something with me? i honestly couldn't tell you.  

do you ever get the feeling that no matter how hard you try you are never good enough? yea well thats the story of my life. i never felt good enough in my past relationship and it always seems like there is someone better for the guys i'm interested in now. is there anyone out there that likes me for who i am not just passing time till something better comes along? i'm not model thin and tall. i never will be. i'm not the blond bombshell. i don't really want to be. i just want someone to like me. the short curvy little redhead with tons of opinions that she keeps to herself because she is afraid that no one will like her.....