all my feelings rose today...

ah, i'm seriously floating on cloud nine, even though i'm trying not to get my hopes up, just playing it by ear. but its a little hard not to. 

Yesterday was an AMAZING day. period the end. there was nothing that could burst my bubble. NOTHING.

but as i said i'm TRYING not to get my hopes up...it's not really working out too well for me

just live your life....

so its 125 am, and i'm not tired although i am laying in bed. i feel accomplished i finally did my laundry and cleaned (somewhat) although its messy again from me trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow.  oh well. my room is never spotless. 

can't wait for tomorrow. i took a chance, and now i'm going to lunch with someone (hence picking out what to wear the before tomorrow morning). who knows what will come of it but at least i will have made a new friend. so instead of studying for my stats test i read for the essays for my english class. hmmz i think my priorities are a little screwed up but oh well. 

for once i'm just doing my thing and not caring what people think about the decisions i make. its kind of refreshing actually. i'm still not as outgoing as some of my friends but i still think i am a person worth getting to know...even if when you first meet me i'm really quiet.....I AM TRYING TO CHANGE THAT THOUGH!

what the hell?

Ok. so this has been a long time in coming.

if it was possible to hate someone it'd have to be you. you screwed me over hardcore and guess what i just bent over and took it. well guess what you do not exist in my world. you are a useless piece of shit that takes up too much space and oxygen. what a waste. i used to think you were my friend. we used to do everything together and then i did one little thing that you didn't agree with and you turned friends against me. if that was your goal you didn't succeed because i still talk to them i forgave them for alienating me. but not you. never you. i never thought someone i once called my best friend would screw me over that much. what did i do. 

just because i did something you didn't agree with doesn't mean you have to go be a bitch about it. you can disagree with me but jesus fucking christ. really? do you like turning people on each other just for shits and giggles. friends don't do that to each other. but then i guess you were never my friend even though i had a hand in setting you and one of your high school boyfriends up (who was a really great guy) and how many times did i tell you it would be okay when some guy broke your heart. i know i was only one of a few but damn you were my best friend. BEST FRIEND! well not anymore. i don't surround myself with manipulative sluts that are out to entertain themselves. 

so when you see me on campus turn your fucking head the other way because i look right through you. YOU DO NOT EXIST. i don't want to hear your nasally laugh through your surgery corrected nose. i don't want to listen to you because i know all you talk about is how expensive what ever you are wearing is. you have an all about me attitude and someone needs to take you down a notch. choke a bitch if you will. i wouldn't mind. it would entertain me greatly if you broke your expensive nose. I WISH YOU WOULD. don't even think about me because guess what if you came crawling back to me bitching about some useless shit i don't care about i would put my fist through your face. i would be the one to break that nose you paid so much for. you are a spoiled little bitch that has to get whatever she wants and that makes you unworthy of my time, energy, and empathy.

and for the million hours that we were i'd smile and remember it all and i'll turn and go...

so i should be working on the revision for my first essay but i'm just not really feeling it right now....but it's due tomorrow so i have to do it sometime. doesn't mean that has to be now. so instead of working on my paper i am going to recap what happened last night but you need a little background first.

i meet my friend through my boyfriend (at least thats what we will call him because thats a whole other complicated story) at that time a few years back. for me there was instant chemistry for him who knows. i was hanging out with my bf, his brother, and their friend. they practically grew up in the same house thats how good of friends they are but i digress. anyway as i said thought he was very attractive right off the bat. i didn't see him for about a year when he came to my bf's and his brothers new year's eve party. that was the second time seeing him. but he was hopped up on pain medication from a dislocated shoulder and then he had a drink. after the amazing meal that was cooked i was helping my friend that i had brought with me to the party try and convince her parents to let her spend the night because i was.  well he had decided he was going to leave. i tried to convince him to stay but he didn't but i asked for a hug before he left and i swear i thought he was going to kiss me, or at least he thought about it but he didn't. i honestly don't know if he even remembers the party because of the combo of medication and the drinks he had. but to say the least i have had a crush on the kid....

so he and i text off and on sometimes and we have tried to get together when we were both back in town but that never worked out his school breaks were always before mine...

anyway i sent him a funny text about rice and going to rocky horror on friday. well he texts me last night asking when i was going to be back in town and such and i told him thanksgiving. then he asked where i was (which i have told him once or twice before). so i told him i was in richmond he tells me that he has friends her and that he broke a rib here and then adds "if i don't get there before thanksgiving when you get home your mine" 

i was grinning like an idiot but my mind was kind of panicking. does he mean it. is it he just wants a casual hookup which im fine with for the most part, seeing as we are in two different locations and i trust him (which is a big thing for me). my main thing is i don't like not knowing what he is thinking but i guess thats a risk i'm willing to take. i mean just a few days ago i was bitching about having any type of physical relationship since oh i'd say february and then this pops up out of no where it seems.....i guess my mom was right it hit me when i wasn't really looking (damn i hate it when she's right sometimes)

no motivation...

i have no motivation to do anything. i'm sitting here listening to viva la vida (the only coldplay song i like) wishing i was back in my room curled up in bed with a great book and a movie playing in the background. but no i'm in the library about to start working on my bio exam re-take...can you say boring! but this girl needs the extra credit.

so i'm feeling better today. YAY. the angry outbursts of the past few days pushed to the back of my mind. fuck hormones, stress, and caffeine headaches. who needs them NOT ME. life would be so much easier if i could master the art of stoicism. emotional outbursts are not for me because i tend to be self-deprecating. i'm not good enough blah blah blah, when i'm not hormonal i don't doubt myself. i don't know what it is about my period that makes me think to damn much. i'm happy with who i am. i know most people wouldn't be able to tell that from the first post i made but i am truly happy with who i am. i know my flaws and weaknesses but i don't usually let them get in the way of my life. so what i'm not an overly confident person but guess what how many people can really say that they don't have problems with self-esteem, not many i'm betting. nearly every person i know has what they consider flaws that they don't like about themselves, the real trick is realizing these "flaws", whether real or imaginary, and not letting them influence the life the person leads in a negative way....

bonding over cookies!

cookies and conversation tend to fix life's problems if only for a little while. i have friends and i know they care and might be a little worried but i will be okay. i have always had low self-esteem. i probably always will. i try and act like i don't but i do. sometimes it just comes out. but i know that i do have friends and people that care about me and my well being  and i appreciate it.

i can honestly say that i LOVE all of my friends--sarah, david, melissa, jane, allena, nora--they are just a few. i don't like to worry people when i get this way but sometimes i just have to learn to express myself and maybe for once in my life instead of worrying about everyone else and their problems, they can worry about me (not that my bouts of self-loathing last that long) for a little bit. that might seem a little selfish but sometimes i feel as though i expend all this energy trying to help others when it isn't really reciprocated (even though i know if i needed them I MEAN REALLY NEEDED THEM, they would be there in a heartbeat). that might sound a little conceited but i know that i put others before myself and sometimes i just need to stop and realize that i do need someone to lean on even if its just for an hour over cookies and milk (thank you melissa).

i love and cherish every one of my friends and i hope that they feel the same way about me....

will this crush go away?

why does this always happen? i like someone and either i am just a friend,  they don't like me, or they want something that i would only give if i were in a relationship. any way i look at it i'm screwed. i swear that i am going to be the little old lady at the end of your street with ten cats. 

if i like a guy things tend to get more complicated than they should. maybe i expect to much out of a relationship because in my last one i didn't get the fulfillment i needed. he was fine with the way things were and it worked for us for awhile before i wanted more. as usual i always want what i either don't or can't have. 

now it comes down to i'm interested in a guy but things started out complicated. who knows what the hell will happen with that but i don't want to be a rebound thats for sure. then there is the big question is he even interested it in something with me? i honestly couldn't tell you.  

do you ever get the feeling that no matter how hard you try you are never good enough? yea well thats the story of my life. i never felt good enough in my past relationship and it always seems like there is someone better for the guys i'm interested in now. is there anyone out there that likes me for who i am not just passing time till something better comes along? i'm not model thin and tall. i never will be. i'm not the blond bombshell. i don't really want to be. i just want someone to like me. the short curvy little redhead with tons of opinions that she keeps to herself because she is afraid that no one will like her.....