"i seek you out, flay you alive, one more word and you won't survive...."

so its been a damn long time since i have posted anything...and lets just say i probably should have as a way to unload my thoughts. so here it goes:

i think i am more emotionally apathetic towards others than i ever have been. hell lets be real here i am emotionally closed off, i don't let hardly anyone get close because i have trust issues. i've been fucked over by people that i consider my friends and it makes me that more protective of the things i share with people. but apparently i have a loud mouth (i mean really come one i am not a regular chatty cathy). i was planning on sharing a piece of information with a friend (two weeks later but still i was sharing) turns out he already knew from an as yet unnamed source....now whether he believes me or not i didn't tell hardly anyone this information. and yea some of the things that he said to me did hurt but damn son its not like i go around telling the WHOLE world my buisness. the only way i can figure that he found out was that someone i told decided to share personal information (something that i shouldn't have said needed to be kept on the DL) with told someone he is in direct contact with as convoluted as that sounds. i'd like to know who it was (not that that will ever happen) so that i know who i have to keep my damn mouth shut around.

"every word is a curse let loose on me, Your mouth it moves but fails to speak, and when you use your lips they better be on me!"

so it has been quite awhile since i have been on. but there isn't much going on worth talking about (at least in my opinion). so i'm just going to divide my life up into major categories and go from there:

school:
not much going on there. i spend most of my days especially during the week doing homework and studying. it's really paying off too. but sometimes i do get distracted by movies, tv shows, and music such as what i'm listening to now (the cab "bounce"). school seems to be dragging on though maybe its because i am going to my spanish class everyday and see the same people over and over again....i don't really know but more than a month of school should have passed by now.....

family:
for the most part things are going well there. my grandparents on my dad's side are having some health issues (but they are getting older so i guess its to be expected). it still threw me a little because they never share how sick or what kind of health issues they have until its really bad. i am going down to alabama with my mom over spring break to see my grandma. i haven't seen her in about a year so its about time for a visit. although i am not looking forward to the drive. i get out of class on friday the 6th of march to drive three hours home to botetourt (and probably run errands when i get there) then wake up at like 5am on saturday to go to atlanta (i don't know if we are staying at my uncles or just stopping eating then leaving again). i will spend my whole week down there then on friday end up in columbus georgia, leave georgia on saturday to hopefully get back to botetourt so that on sunday i can leave to drive three hours back to richmond........damn thats a LOT of time in a car.....

relationships:
OH MY GOD....i am super confused. MAJORLY confused. i swear no boys for the rest of my college days. i thought that you know who and i had potential and i made a hasty decision to firmly put him in the friend zone. now i don't know. i went home this past weekend and saw you know who (for those of you that are clued into my life you KNOW who i'm talking about). now we didn't hang out one-on-one, he was at macado's in salem and tripp and i were at macado's in roanoke. he had just gotten off work so we went by since i had to take tripp back to his house anyway. well the three of us went back to his apartment where we chilled for a bit but i ended up having to take a phone call (long story short we didn't see that much of each other). went out to doo's again the next night saw him for about thirty minutes.......but it was enough time to know that i still am attracted to him HARDCORE (at least physically). we didn't hang out long enough to talk.......but DAMN does he look good in a suit!

you'll say we've got nothing in common, no common ground to start from and we're falling apart...

well you would be right. sometimes i hate coming home. don't get my wrong i enjoy the time that i spend with my family but its all the unnecessary high school bullshit. get-togethers and such (which usually i don't mind) but i have turned into an antisocial person when it comes to going out when i'm at home. i tend to hang out with a select few people and this break i ended up missing it because i slept through it....damn headache

now that i'm in college and never see half of these people i feel as though i don't have to pretend if i like them or not. i never made that many friends here in botetourt. i have my handful of close friends that i keep in contact with and that i actually enjoy hanging out with. now because everyone knows everyone around here i am always invited to get-togethers that i don't necessarily want to go to and then i have to come up with a reason why i "can't make it" and how "sorry i am that i'm going to miss it".

now tuesday my friend hannah is throwing a going away party for a mutual friend. her family is moving to baltimore i believe and apparently this is a big deal to everyone. i on the other hand, who has moved around my whole life, doesn't really get why there needs to be a going away party. it boggles my mind that people are born and raised in botetourt, va (and i don't mean to sound bitchy but i just really don't get the big deal about moving but its probably because i have done it so many times). i mean i haven't seen this girl since we graduated, why am i invited again? because i know the right people. now most of the people that i like and enjoying hanging out with will not be at said going away party.....this makes me want to go even less than if they were going to be there. i just don't really see the big deal and why there needs to be a party to send someone off who isn't even living in botetourt permanently anyway. she goes to mason so she is already up there for the most part with the exception of breaks and such......

so really, what is the big deal? am i just being a grouchy bitch because i don't want to have to put myself in a situation where i won't have a good time? i feel as though if i haven't talked to you within the past year or since high school why should i end up being nice and going when i would rather be spending my time hanging out with the people that i do like that are home.....but alas that is not meant to be because most of them are going to be out of town...........guess it will be a movie night for me!!!

and now i've found some solid ground, i thought i'd drowned but now i'm found, and on the lips of life i kiss, i find i'm here in this place of bliss

so this is the first night i have hung out with anyone besides my family. i have realized that i turn into a hermit while i'm home. but let me tell you i really enjoyed tonight....

i hung out with one of the greatest people i know. sure he and i have been through some rough patches but that has only strengthened our friendship. he and i have been friends since my freshman year of high school and i never knew that i could care so deeply for one person. 

as i said we have had some rough patches but we have always been there for each other. most people don't really understand our friendship and sometimes  (especially in high school) would even question why he was friends with me and visa versa. now i can't tell you his answer but i can tell you mine: no one saw what i saw in him. most people thought he was an ass (which he will be the first to tell you he is) but there was more to it than that and i just wish that more people would see that. of course he doesn't want most people to see that side of him. but underneath that rough exterior is a sweet guy that just wants to be taken care of, appreciated for who he is, and loved.

now he doesn't let most people get to know him well enough to know that side of him but i see myself as privileged especially when the last time i saw him was over the summer. we get together when we can (which i hate to say isn't very often) but when we do it's like no time at all has passed. we could talk for hours about nothing at all and we are always entertained (or at least i am). i consider him one of my best friends right up there with david and i just wish that more people could see the side of him that i do. 

the time that he has spent away from botetourt has changed him (for the better). in high school i saw a lonely boy that had put up a wall to keep people out and now when i see him he is a man confident in himself. to see that change (not that i was there for a lot of it because of certain events, mainly my own stubborn pride, and college) in him makes me proud to be called his friend. 

yes i will admit to wanting our friendship to be more than that but i know that will never happen. i just want him to be happy and to be able to find someone that makes him happy. i am just glad that he lets me be a part of his life and that he makes time to see me the few days that he comes into town to see his family (and i really mean few like 5 days at the most).

there are many things that i would like to say to you...

so i saw him today....and it was mad awkward. i hadn't seen him since we hung out on saturday (man my sense of time is so FUCKED UP) and i hadn't talked to him since then either. i don't know if it was awkward because he was obviously with people or what but my friend i was with at the time also felt that it was awkward.

but i have to say i didn't feel weird not talking to him for three days......

i'm not sure what this means....but i have a little bit of an idea

i didn't realize i was such a horrible person...

i didn't know i was such a horrible friend. i mean i sit there and in the beginning was supportive and empathetic, no matter how much trouble you got yourself into or what messed up situation you were a part of. i tried not to judge (which is a little hard when you repeatedly get yourself into this situations and then come tell me about them when its the same story just slight variations) but it got old. so whenever you decided to talk to me i was short and to the point. i'd gotten fed up with listening to the same old story over and over again. "oh poor me, look what i did again." i'd give advice and it would go unused so i stopped trying. i'd listen say i'm sorry and go about my business like you hadn't interrupted me.

now i admit burying my head in the sand was probably not the best way to deal with this but i just became so apathetic about it all, that i didn't really care to talk to you. all you pretty much talk about anyway is how much you miss "him" and oh i really hate this kid (yet you still hang out and freeload off of him any chance you get) so i wasn't really missing much. you seemed to take this as being "mean" to you. well guess what you have never seen me be mean to anyone. you probably wouldn't want to. so when i heard from a mutual friend that you had asked her to "protect you" from me being mean to you, i went off. i legit scared someone because i was so mad. i may be blowing this out of proportion, but i don't care. this made me see that you really DON'T know me. i would never get mad at you in a restaurant full of people, with friends sitting at the table alongside people i didn't even know. that is not me, if i was going to to say anything about the subject (which i wasn't likely too unless you brought it up) it would have either been one on one or with our two mutual friends, not in a public arena. a verbal sparring match in a restaurant is not how i would have dealt with the situation at all. EVER. if i had really had that much of a problem with you (which at the time i didn't) i wouldn't even have gone to lunch with you. i had thought, up until the point where i found out that you asked to be "protected" from me, that lunch went really well. 

so next time (if there is a next time) you think i have a problem with you, come to me about it. i didn't have a problem with you it was the fact that you telling me all your problems was finally starting to annoy me. you get yourself into those situations all the time and i had finally run out of sympathy. but that didn't mean that i was going to verbally attack you just because i didn't want hear anymore about your stupid decisions that get you into these complicated messes that could be completely avoided if you just thought it out a little.

i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn

so Thanksgiving break looks like its going to be interesting.  mom and dad are having issues so i took it upon myself, which i probably shouldn't have done, to say something to my dad. of course with the help of one of my best friends (who is also a psych major) i make it seems like it's me that has the problem not mom. BUT they need to talk which is where everything starts to break down. my dad doesn't really like useless conversation and it would probably go in one ear and right out the other. YES, they/we need professional help. will we get it NO.

this isn't the first time this "divorce talk" has come from my mom and i'm usually what starts it all. now i realize its NOT MY FAULT (at least in my head) but if things do eventually go sour, i'm probably going to blame myself. 

now should my mom talk to me about these kinds of things, no, but her and i are so close we don't really have boundaries with our conversations. but she should really talk to dad. like i said though that probably won't accomplish anything and more than likely my email won't either. at least i tried though. 

i have always seen my parents as one of those couples that will last forever and thats probably because as a child i NEVER saw my parents fight. if they had problems they would deal with them behind closed doors and as a child i appreciate it but i think if i had known they fought this wouldn't surprise me so much.

last time this came up things worked out. my dad apologized to me and it was never spoken of again. i don't know how it went with my parents though. but i do know then and now that the way my dad treats me is the catalyst for my mom talking about divorce. its really his problem though, he treats me like crap because i have a really good relationship with my mom. i have a great relationship with my mom because she was always there for me and always around starting out early when i was a child. dad is the provider. it's always been that way and i understand that but he forfeited a relationship with me when i was young. work was ALWAYS first. now i LOVE my dad and i appreciate all he's done for me but he made a choice. i try and hang out with him now that i'm older but i'm always doing things HE likes. i put forth the effort to have a relationship but it seems like he doesn't. but he shouldn't alienate me just because i have an amazing relationship with my mom and not him..........