i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn

so Thanksgiving break looks like its going to be interesting.  mom and dad are having issues so i took it upon myself, which i probably shouldn't have done, to say something to my dad. of course with the help of one of my best friends (who is also a psych major) i make it seems like it's me that has the problem not mom. BUT they need to talk which is where everything starts to break down. my dad doesn't really like useless conversation and it would probably go in one ear and right out the other. YES, they/we need professional help. will we get it NO.

this isn't the first time this "divorce talk" has come from my mom and i'm usually what starts it all. now i realize its NOT MY FAULT (at least in my head) but if things do eventually go sour, i'm probably going to blame myself. 

now should my mom talk to me about these kinds of things, no, but her and i are so close we don't really have boundaries with our conversations. but she should really talk to dad. like i said though that probably won't accomplish anything and more than likely my email won't either. at least i tried though. 

i have always seen my parents as one of those couples that will last forever and thats probably because as a child i NEVER saw my parents fight. if they had problems they would deal with them behind closed doors and as a child i appreciate it but i think if i had known they fought this wouldn't surprise me so much.

last time this came up things worked out. my dad apologized to me and it was never spoken of again. i don't know how it went with my parents though. but i do know then and now that the way my dad treats me is the catalyst for my mom talking about divorce. its really his problem though, he treats me like crap because i have a really good relationship with my mom. i have a great relationship with my mom because she was always there for me and always around starting out early when i was a child. dad is the provider. it's always been that way and i understand that but he forfeited a relationship with me when i was young. work was ALWAYS first. now i LOVE my dad and i appreciate all he's done for me but he made a choice. i try and hang out with him now that i'm older but i'm always doing things HE likes. i put forth the effort to have a relationship but it seems like he doesn't. but he shouldn't alienate me just because i have an amazing relationship with my mom and not him..........

I'm singing out loud to guide me give me your strength...

while i was catching up with rachel this afternoon before she went to class, it hit me. the big question. am i interested in this guy because he is interested me? was it just excitement i felt when he asked me out? i don't know. if the answer is yes to these questions how much of a shitty person am i? if the answers are no, where do i go from here? how do i figure out the answers to these questions. i don't want to hurt him. then there is the mom thing. am i subconsciously letting her influence me and question what i want? do i really know what i want from this? what does he want? am i over-thinking this to much so soon? i am utterly confused and i need guidance but more to the point i need to go home....maybe i can find the answers to these questions once i have a mini break from school but until then what do i do?

you make me completely miserable.....

ever since i talked to my mom about a guy i'm interested in things have been different (to me they seemed a little strained). my mom and i have always had a great relationship more friends than mother and daughter. i share nearly everything with her so this was no different. i thought she would be happy for me and of course she says that she is but it doesn't sound like she really means it. i don't know if i'm imagining it or what but it seems to me her "i don't know how i feel" is just a way for her to not  hurt me with her opinion. its her tone of voice that makes me question whether she really "doesn't know" how she feels or like i said if she is just using it as an excuse not to say anything. TONIGHT when she called me back and mentioned this guy she casually mentioned "i don't know how your father will take it so i wouldn't say anything until you know you guys are serious" and tacked on to the end was "i just want you to be happy but you need to focus on school". she never said that with tripp she never said that when i was hanging out with richie. so why say it now? 

i just want to be happy and i honestly think that i could be with this guy but then again i don't want to cause tension with my mom. my best friend......what do i do?

its our godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved....

wow. thats really all i have to say for the things that have happened this week.

1)we have a new president and his name is Barack Obama. how amazing is that. richmond's broad street

2)things are progressing really well for the few of you that are privileged enough to know what i'm talking about :D

3)i'm going to be spending saturday with one of the coolest people i know!

4)sunday will be spent in the library making up for the fun i will have on saturday.

i know it doesn't seem amazing since i didn't go into any detail but thats okay. the people who matter to me know what i'm talking about.

all my feelings rose today...

ah, i'm seriously floating on cloud nine, even though i'm trying not to get my hopes up, just playing it by ear. but its a little hard not to. 

Yesterday was an AMAZING day. period the end. there was nothing that could burst my bubble. NOTHING.

but as i said i'm TRYING not to get my hopes up...it's not really working out too well for me

just live your life....

so its 125 am, and i'm not tired although i am laying in bed. i feel accomplished i finally did my laundry and cleaned (somewhat) although its messy again from me trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow.  oh well. my room is never spotless. 

can't wait for tomorrow. i took a chance, and now i'm going to lunch with someone (hence picking out what to wear the before tomorrow morning). who knows what will come of it but at least i will have made a new friend. so instead of studying for my stats test i read for the essays for my english class. hmmz i think my priorities are a little screwed up but oh well. 

for once i'm just doing my thing and not caring what people think about the decisions i make. its kind of refreshing actually. i'm still not as outgoing as some of my friends but i still think i am a person worth getting to know...even if when you first meet me i'm really quiet.....I AM TRYING TO CHANGE THAT THOUGH!

what the hell?

Ok. so this has been a long time in coming.

if it was possible to hate someone it'd have to be you. you screwed me over hardcore and guess what i just bent over and took it. well guess what you do not exist in my world. you are a useless piece of shit that takes up too much space and oxygen. what a waste. i used to think you were my friend. we used to do everything together and then i did one little thing that you didn't agree with and you turned friends against me. if that was your goal you didn't succeed because i still talk to them i forgave them for alienating me. but not you. never you. i never thought someone i once called my best friend would screw me over that much. what did i do. 

just because i did something you didn't agree with doesn't mean you have to go be a bitch about it. you can disagree with me but jesus fucking christ. really? do you like turning people on each other just for shits and giggles. friends don't do that to each other. but then i guess you were never my friend even though i had a hand in setting you and one of your high school boyfriends up (who was a really great guy) and how many times did i tell you it would be okay when some guy broke your heart. i know i was only one of a few but damn you were my best friend. BEST FRIEND! well not anymore. i don't surround myself with manipulative sluts that are out to entertain themselves. 

so when you see me on campus turn your fucking head the other way because i look right through you. YOU DO NOT EXIST. i don't want to hear your nasally laugh through your surgery corrected nose. i don't want to listen to you because i know all you talk about is how expensive what ever you are wearing is. you have an all about me attitude and someone needs to take you down a notch. choke a bitch if you will. i wouldn't mind. it would entertain me greatly if you broke your expensive nose. I WISH YOU WOULD. don't even think about me because guess what if you came crawling back to me bitching about some useless shit i don't care about i would put my fist through your face. i would be the one to break that nose you paid so much for. you are a spoiled little bitch that has to get whatever she wants and that makes you unworthy of my time, energy, and empathy.