i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn

so Thanksgiving break looks like its going to be interesting.  mom and dad are having issues so i took it upon myself, which i probably shouldn't have done, to say something to my dad. of course with the help of one of my best friends (who is also a psych major) i make it seems like it's me that has the problem not mom. BUT they need to talk which is where everything starts to break down. my dad doesn't really like useless conversation and it would probably go in one ear and right out the other. YES, they/we need professional help. will we get it NO.

this isn't the first time this "divorce talk" has come from my mom and i'm usually what starts it all. now i realize its NOT MY FAULT (at least in my head) but if things do eventually go sour, i'm probably going to blame myself. 

now should my mom talk to me about these kinds of things, no, but her and i are so close we don't really have boundaries with our conversations. but she should really talk to dad. like i said though that probably won't accomplish anything and more than likely my email won't either. at least i tried though. 

i have always seen my parents as one of those couples that will last forever and thats probably because as a child i NEVER saw my parents fight. if they had problems they would deal with them behind closed doors and as a child i appreciate it but i think if i had known they fought this wouldn't surprise me so much.

last time this came up things worked out. my dad apologized to me and it was never spoken of again. i don't know how it went with my parents though. but i do know then and now that the way my dad treats me is the catalyst for my mom talking about divorce. its really his problem though, he treats me like crap because i have a really good relationship with my mom. i have a great relationship with my mom because she was always there for me and always around starting out early when i was a child. dad is the provider. it's always been that way and i understand that but he forfeited a relationship with me when i was young. work was ALWAYS first. now i LOVE my dad and i appreciate all he's done for me but he made a choice. i try and hang out with him now that i'm older but i'm always doing things HE likes. i put forth the effort to have a relationship but it seems like he doesn't. but he shouldn't alienate me just because i have an amazing relationship with my mom and not him..........

I'm singing out loud to guide me give me your strength...

while i was catching up with rachel this afternoon before she went to class, it hit me. the big question. am i interested in this guy because he is interested me? was it just excitement i felt when he asked me out? i don't know. if the answer is yes to these questions how much of a shitty person am i? if the answers are no, where do i go from here? how do i figure out the answers to these questions. i don't want to hurt him. then there is the mom thing. am i subconsciously letting her influence me and question what i want? do i really know what i want from this? what does he want? am i over-thinking this to much so soon? i am utterly confused and i need guidance but more to the point i need to go home....maybe i can find the answers to these questions once i have a mini break from school but until then what do i do?

you make me completely miserable.....

ever since i talked to my mom about a guy i'm interested in things have been different (to me they seemed a little strained). my mom and i have always had a great relationship more friends than mother and daughter. i share nearly everything with her so this was no different. i thought she would be happy for me and of course she says that she is but it doesn't sound like she really means it. i don't know if i'm imagining it or what but it seems to me her "i don't know how i feel" is just a way for her to not  hurt me with her opinion. its her tone of voice that makes me question whether she really "doesn't know" how she feels or like i said if she is just using it as an excuse not to say anything. TONIGHT when she called me back and mentioned this guy she casually mentioned "i don't know how your father will take it so i wouldn't say anything until you know you guys are serious" and tacked on to the end was "i just want you to be happy but you need to focus on school". she never said that with tripp she never said that when i was hanging out with richie. so why say it now? 

i just want to be happy and i honestly think that i could be with this guy but then again i don't want to cause tension with my mom. my best friend......what do i do?

its our godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved....

wow. thats really all i have to say for the things that have happened this week.

1)we have a new president and his name is Barack Obama. how amazing is that. richmond's broad street

2)things are progressing really well for the few of you that are privileged enough to know what i'm talking about :D

3)i'm going to be spending saturday with one of the coolest people i know!

4)sunday will be spent in the library making up for the fun i will have on saturday.

i know it doesn't seem amazing since i didn't go into any detail but thats okay. the people who matter to me know what i'm talking about.